So when I'm angry or sad, I'm quiet. I'm both angry and sad right now because of Phill's death. Because of the fact that all of us - all of our sweet group of friends from high school and 85th Street Baptist Church (the church with a spirit you can feel) and beyond - are going to die. Because we are all getting older. Because we don't keep in touch and because we can't go back and say what we should have said or do what we should have done.
Basically, I think I am angry and sad because I (this is really about me, isn't it?) am going to get older and then I am going to die. And I'm especially pissed because no matter who dies, life just goes on like it did before they died - only without them - or without us - or without me.
I'll give you an example:
After leaving a voice mail for my supervisor that I would be in late on Monday because of going out of town for Phill's memorial service, I thought I better email her, too. So that I did. I explained as I had in the voice mail that a friend had passed away unexpectedly earlier in the week, so forth and so on...
So I came in to work at noon yesterday - completely exhausted and emotionally drained. After an hour or so, this supervisor ran by my door and breathlessly asked, "Oh! How's your friend?" To which I replied (in a very alarming tone), "What?" And she said, "Your friend you went to see? How is he?"
So I reminded her that my friend is dead. That's how he is. He's dead.
And she went on to say that she needed me to do thus and such for this big hoo hah happening on this or that day...I have no idea what she said...but the point is: well, you know what the point is.
I feel sure I will snap back in a day or so...and even that's a little sad.
So are you depressed enough yet?
I'll be back tomorrow with thoughts on being awarded by my all time fave scrappy girl, Virginia (Yes, I'm now a super star. Can't touch this.) And then later in the week, I have some thoughts on music. Isn't that cute? Thoughts on music. That Mandy Johnson, she's an intellectual...