I had knee surgery last week and that shall be my latest excuse for not blogging. Now that we've gotten that out of the way:
Seriously I feel like everything I've written (whether on paper, here on this blog or in my head) in the last several months has started with "since my mom died." It's as though I measure all time now by its proximity to November 18, 2008. I'm not exactly sure why that is given the fact that as relationships go - my mother and I didn't have the best of one. Maybe we were closer than I even knew - in one of those mother/daughter bonds that I've read about over the years but wasn't consciously aware I was participating in.
More likely is the possibility that I'm not only grieving her death, but grieving the relationship I so badly wanted with her that will now, for sure, never exist. I don't know that given more time our issues would have been resolved. I tend to doubt it based on her emotional state over the last few years and my inability to just let go of all that was eating away at me.
I forgave her long ago for all the things I thought she had done or said to me that were inappropriate, ridiculous or overbearing. But even after forgiving her, I never really let her get too close to me again. Not that she tried or pushed, really. I think she thought we just were who we were, and she loved me in spite of that. I know she had to do her fair share of forgiving, too. I can't imagine trying to raise (much less love and nurture) such a smart ass know-it-all. But she did love me. Fiercely. Having never had children, I guess I really can't even imagine how deeply she loved me.
Here's the problem, though...the thing that keeps ringing in my head and breaking my heart is that no one will ever love me like that again. There is no other mama. She was it. She waited on me to come around and all the while she loved me just the same. I want so badly to know I didn't disappoint her like I think I must have. I want so badly to know that she didn't notice my holding back.
A bird has built a nest just outside on our front porch awning and we have the perfect view of her through a window above the front door. I have no idea how long it takes for the baby birdies to hatch, but she's been there for days sitting and waiting. She's there every single time I walk by. Her position rarely changes. When PJ first saw her, he thought she was dead because she's so still and quiet. But we can see she is breathing. I keep checking on her, thinking she will give up and abandon what must be an empty nest. But there she sits. The mama. Waiting on something to love. I hope she's not disappointed.