However Although Thus Several Several

Reality getting in my way

The real reasons I haven't written more lately:

1. Work: I'm insanely busy with nothing that matters and completely overwhelmed by all that does. There are people and situations there (as I'm sure I've mentioned before) making me crazy. There's nothing I can do about it right now other than just continue to try to improve my reactions to said people and situations. That's much more difficult than it sounds. I promise.

2. Television: Both good and bad TV sucking me in lately. I hate to even say that, though, because I watch far less TV than most people I know. I'm on a bit of a reality show kick. I'm sure that says something about me and my reality, but I would like to skip that discussion for now. I've become obsessed with "Ruby." She's adorable. I catch myself slipping into her accent every now and then. I'm also digging "Police Women of Broward County." Andrea reminds me of Bobbie Jo in many ways. Clean House makes me both disgusted and giddy. And I've loved "Big Medicine" forever. I know what you are thinking - I'm a huge nerd. I know there are some great shows out there right now. I hear y'all talking about them, see you tweeting about them. I know I can't even start watching it (True Blood) or I will be hooked forever. I can't make that type of commitment right now.

3. Grief: Still working though my emotions surrounding my mom. Some days are better than others. I had forgotten that this time of year (back to school) would remind me so much of her. So I've had some come aparts lately - mostly in the school supply aisles of random retail establishments. Although a little embarrassing and inconvenient, I imagine that will be how it is for a long while.

Just thought you might want to hear my excuses. What's keeping you from writing these days?

Forging Forward

In keeping with the video theme this week, I thought I would post this that I found on Kerry Lynn's blog not too long ago. I've watched it again and again and again. Because I believe I was meant to see it at the exact moment that I did...the exact moment when I thought I couldn't possibly take one more thing happening to me or to anyone I love. Once I saw this I realized that of course I can take it. I will keep going because I always do. Bring it on.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Part 1

There are times when I don’t write much at all. I have numerous theories on why that is, but they all boil down to a couple of basic themes: 1) not enough time and 2) too much emotion. It’s as though I can’t let my brain stop long enough to record what is going on for fear that I will fall behind or fall apart - neither of which I can afford right now.  It’s always been interesting to me how writing is both my therapeutic confessional and my escape from reality. I’m happiest (and do my best work) when my life and my feelings are falling somewhere in the middle of the road. But we all know this has not been a middle of the road kind of year.

So I thought it would be best to just catch up and continue my timeline of “life since my mom died.” I imagine when the anniversary of her death comes around I will have to come up with some other way to reference time and events. Maybe by then I will have found a way to measure experience that doesn’t include my wondering what her reaction to all of this would have been. Secretly, I think she would not have handled parts of it all real well – and maybe that’s why she’s not physically here now – in the middle of it.

This will be a photo heavy post, but I find that photos tell the story better than I ever could.

OK, so where were we? Oh yes, Hank. Precious little Hank. My sister (Marianne) went into labor a few weeks early and Hank was breech so she had to have an emergency C Section. She called me at work, but I was really busy hanging out on the sales floor with this co-worker and missed the call:

Finally PJ found me and I took off for the hour long trip to the hospital. I made it just in time to be in the delivery room with her.

Whoa.

Surprisingly we all made it through that experience just fine. Here's the result:

I hung out in the nursery with Hank while he got cleaned up and ready to meet everyone. I know the nurses thought I was crazy, but they were very patient with me – explaining every little thing about him, answering my 756,000 questions, and letting me take 26 gajillion pictures. Hank and I bonded that day, and I will never forget the experience of watching him wake up to a whole new world. Truly, it was the most incredible afternoon and evening I’ve ever had. I know my mother’s spirit was there all around us those few hours.  I felt it in a way I can’t even explain.

 

(Oh, and worth remembering, if you’re in the nursery with the baby, you don’t have to be in the waiting room with all of the crazy family members.) It was very sweet to see Banana so excited about her new cousin. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, and when she finally got to hold him, she kept saying, "Little fella! Little fella!"

So a few days later when Marianne and Hank were finally home, Marianne started running a fever. The next day she ended up back in the hospital with an infection. While in the hospital she started having problems breathing. It took almost a week and many tests, etc. to figure this entire thing out, but she has been diagnosed with Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. Doctors think she will recover nicely with the medication she is taking.  She’s home again and on oxygen when needed. I think the hardest part of being in the hospital for her was being away from Hank and the girls. My brother and his wife took care of Koo Koo and Smudge the entire time. I’m sure adding those two girls to their two little girls made for a frazzled week at their house, but they all seemed to handle it well. Hank spent the first weekend with us at Bobbie Jo’s house.  Yes, you read that correctly. We (PJ, Bobbie Jo and I) kept Hank for the weekend. And he survived! We even took him to a 4^th of July party and to his newborn check-up at the pediatrician’s office. (That’s a blog entry in itself!) Let me just say that I have a new respect for all of my friends with even one child. I was beyond worn out when the weekend was over. When I had to go back to work, our Aunt Jennifer took Hank to her house for the rest of the time Marianne was in the hospital. (Jennifer raised four children so I have a feeling she knew a little more about what she was doing.)

Scenes from Hank's "Tour de Aunties" follow:

 

 

 

So that’s what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. I hope to update the 365 blog tonight or tomorrow for those of you who follow that.

All of this might have been easier to handle if other ridiculous things weren’t going on at the same time. You know, if my stepfather weren’t acting like a junior high boy with his new girlfriend. Or if the baby daddy had shown any interest in even seeing Hank. Or if my job weren't so stressful. Or if we all weren’t so consumed with worry over how all of this is going to play out for Marianne and her children.

But here's the thing - he's here and he's healthy. And we all are madly in love with him.

I'll be back here later in the week with a book review and give-away. Oh, and photos and details from my little bro's very fun wedding last weekend.

Father's Day

The baby birdies have hatched! I can see the very tippy tops of their heads through the front door window. If the mama weren't so scary looking I might try to get closer, but I can tell she would kick my ass. And I have a long standing fear of birds.

Another bird comes to visit every now and then. I'm assuming he is the daddy because all he does is stand beside the nest looking very uninterested while the mama flies off to run some errands. As soon as she comes back, he takes off. Interesting.

Speaking of mama / daddy stuff - I'm supposed to be in the delivery room with my sister when Hank is born so I've been preparing myself by watching births on YouTube. Oh my. Just when you think you have seen it all. Today I watched a woman giving birth unattended in her home. UNATTENDED. Meaning only her husband was present and she was in this kiddie pool looking thing screaming like a wild animal and out comes a baby. Sweet Mother of God. It was unreal. Whyyyyy? Don't get me wrong - I'm impressed, but it was more like the kind of impressed you are when you see someone bungee jump. I'm not sure all that's really necessary these days. Granted I've never had a baby, but I'm thinking I would choose another option. And I'm also thinking I would have kicked that useless husband with his video camera to the curb a long time ago.

Not much else has happened around here. Well, even saying that makes me laugh because of all of the DRAMA that seems to be floating around my life these days. Lots of nonsense. There's none of it I particularly want to discuss at this point. Simply because discussing it all might interfere with my plan of IGNORING it all. Denial is a beautiful thing.

Me since her

I had knee surgery last week and that shall be my latest excuse for not blogging. Now that we've gotten that out of the way:

Seriously I feel like everything I've written (whether on paper, here on this blog or in my head) in the last several months has started with "since my mom died." It's as though I measure all time now by its proximity to November 18, 2008. I'm not exactly sure why that is given the fact that as relationships go - my mother and I didn't have the best of one. Maybe we were closer than I even knew - in one of those mother/daughter bonds that I've read about over the years but wasn't consciously aware I was participating in.

More likely is the possibility that I'm not only grieving her death, but grieving the relationship I so badly wanted with her that will now, for sure, never exist. I don't know that given more time our issues would have been resolved. I tend to doubt it based on her emotional state over the last few years and my inability to just let go of all that was eating away at me.

I forgave her long ago for all the things I thought she had done or said to me that were inappropriate, ridiculous or overbearing. But even after forgiving her, I never really let her get too close to me again. Not that she tried or pushed, really. I think she thought we just were who we were, and she loved me in spite of that. I know she had to do her fair share of forgiving, too. I can't imagine trying to raise (much less love and nurture) such a smart ass know-it-all. But she did love me. Fiercely. Having never had children, I guess I really can't even imagine how deeply she loved me.

Here's the problem, though...the thing that keeps ringing in my head and breaking my heart is that no one will ever love me like that again. There is no other mama. She was it. She waited on me to come around and all the while she loved me just the same. I want so badly to know I didn't disappoint her like I think I must have. I want so badly to know that she didn't notice my holding back.

A bird has built a nest just outside on our front porch awning and we have the perfect view of her through a window above the front door. I have no idea how long it takes for the baby birdies to hatch, but she's been there for days sitting and waiting. She's there every single time I walk by. Her position rarely changes. When PJ first saw her, he thought she was dead because she's so still and quiet. But we can see she is breathing. I keep checking on her, thinking she will give up and abandon what must be an empty nest. But there she sits. The mama. Waiting on something to love. I hope she's not disappointed.

Remedy

I have a suggestion for you. If you ever want to be reminded of your blessings or of the good things in your life, write a blog post about how bad your life sucks. I've spent the last couple of days thinking that I'm a big baby and that I need to get over myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought that about me lately.

Truth be told - lots of good and downright wonderful things have happened over the last twelve months as well. Just to name a few:

My little bro, Matt, and his girlfriend, Shannon, got engaged! Remember them? We're really excited for them...big wedding and lots of Chattanooga fun coming up the weekend of July 11th.

PJ's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. We had a fun weekend away at Callaway Gardens with the whole family at the end of the summer to celebrate. I'm supposedly working on a scrapbook about their marriage, but I haven't had the time to finish it yet. I'm so looking forward to spending some hours putting it together this summer. I love looking at their photos from over the years. They've got a sweet story that needs documenting.

In other travel news - I got to go to the Scrap, Etc. Event in Nashville last spring. We took a really fun vacation to our favorite beach spot in July. And I was able to attend Blissdom'09 this past February. There I got to meet Jen Lancaster along with hundreds of other amazing women. It was also there that I met and discovered the music of the one and only Chris Mann.

In crafty news, I made the Scrap, Etc. Design Team after creating this rocking (if I do say so myself) album all about me. (Narcissistic much?) BTW, I just got the word that Scrap, Etc. is closing. I'm really sad about that, but totally get the decision. I can't imagine the stress of trying to run a retail operation in this economy and with such competition. Oh wait, yes I can. It's what I do. And as I said, I totally get the decision. Lucy, I wish you nothing but the best - and lots of time to play tennis and love on Emma and John Connor and hang at the beach. You deserve it.

I also started a blog of photos. I'm taking one photo every day and then posting those to However365. Not only has it been challenging and fun, but watching our days in photos has made me more aware of the little things we have and do that all come together to make one big life.

More times than I can count over the last year, we have heard some kick ass music live and in person. I blogged in October about our experience at Kentuck, but there's been more...like hearing Emmylou Harris sing at Phill's memorial service and then chatting with her about the brownies at the reception later. Just last week we had to chance to hear Robinella again. She always blows me away.

I count the time I get to spend with our nieces and nephews as some of the best days of my life. And because so much has happened in our family this year, we've been together a whole lot more often. I like that. Nothing makes me feel better than snuggling up to that precious Addison and breathing in her baby sweetness. She, Koo Koo, Smudge and Banana have made dealing with my mom's death easier and have reminded me more than once that this is not about me. And of course, I can't wait to meet Hank. As worried as I have been about my sister and her life and how in the world she is gonna pull this off, I'm filled with giddy anticipation. I cannot wait to have this little man to love and spoil. BTW, Koo Koo, Smudge and I are hosting a baby shower this weekend for my sister. It's going to be over the top with cuteness. I can't wait to post photos and a recap here next week. Meanwhile, take a look at the invitation. See? I told you. Cute.

So I would venture to say that what I have lived over the last twelve months is called "life," and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever experienced its ups and downs. Through all of this good and bad I've had PJ and amazing friends to pick me up, push me around, and love me. There's no way I could have made it without them. Maybe becoming more aware of that is what the last year was supposed to be about...who knows. What's any of it about?

In the words of Robinella, "Life is beautiful and sometimes grim. But it's now and forever. Amen."

Amen. Can I get a witness?

Quarantined with Whine Flu

Allow me to share here what all has happened in my small corner of the world in the last twelve months. I will even link you back to the blog entry that gives details in case you've missed something along the way.

April 2008 Kelli (my sweet Knoxville friend) died.

June 2008 My grandmother died.

July 2008 Phill (my funny and exceptionally kind friend from high school, college and post college insanity days) died.

August 2008 I was in a terrible "We're all going to die" funk.

October 2008 Addison (my brother's 2nd child) was born. Things started looking up.

November 2008 My mother died.

January 2009 Found out my sister is pregnant at age 41 with her 4th child.

February 2009 My friend, Jennifer, lost her young and full of life dad to a massive heart attack.

February 2009 I had shoulder surgery. It sucked.

February 2009 (Yes, we're still in February.) My stepfather announced he is seeing someone. (Yes, it had been less than 3 months since my mom died. I hadn't even had time to get my hair cut or colored since before my mom's death, but he has had time to start seeing someone. He's still seeing her, by the way, and we're all supposed to be OK with this.)

April 2009 I had a wreck and totaled my car.

April 2009 My knee started hurting just as I was finishing up physical therapy for my shoulder. Seems I hurt it in the wreck.

May 2009 Found out I have to have a knee scope to repair a torn meniscus.

Needless to say, I'm a little overwhelmed. 

As is typical, there's a whole lot more to each story. I'm not even including the background drama. Trust me - there's always background drama - especially in my family. I'm talking about the kind of drama that would make blockbuster movies and chart topping novels if only I had the time.

I thought the above time line might help explain my absence from here, my inability to make the simplest of decisions, my lack of patience and resulting pissy mood, and/or my tendency to just sit here in my office and stare at the walls. "Anti-social" would be the kindest way to describe me these days.

I have to say, I'm starting to feel like I'm being bullied a bit. I realize all of these things that have happened are not "about" me. These events have happened to more than just little me. I also realize that many people are in far worse shape than I am. Many people have gone and will go through much more in much less time. But let it be known - I am tired and I am over it.

Here's the thing that I know, though. I will be fine. I always am. I always make it through because I'm strong and stubborn and smart and well, I'm a survivor. One way I know I'm starting to feel better is my increased attention to music. For months I haven't really listened to anything, unable to concentrate, not wanting the noise in my head. That's not like me at all. Music has always been an escape for me so when I realized I was no longer interested, I knew I was in trouble. But just recently I've re-discovered songs on my iPod, some I don't even remember loading, and I've caught myself singing along and even dancing in the living room a time or two. That's a good sign, but I don't want to jinx anything so I will leave it at that.

So...feel free to cut me some slack.

Yesterday I stumbled upon something I had written in my day planner a long while ago thinking I might use the thought on a scrapbook page later. (I can't remember where I saw the quote or I would credit it.) I'm thinking now that there was a reason I wrote it down, and I suggest you take it to heart, too.

Life is tough. I recommend getting a manicure and a really cute helmet.

Heartless MANN

I've mentioned Chris Mann here before. I saw him perform at Blissdom'09and LOVED his sweet voice and piercing music, his precious personality, and his sense of humor...not to mention his complete over-the-top handsomeness. So needless to say - I'm a MANNfan!(That's what he calls those of us who follow him on Twitter.) @IamChrisMann (Chris) recently asked his MANNfans to tweet him back with the one word that described heartbreak to us. And then he used these words in his latest video - a cover of Kanye West's "Heartless." So you simply must check it out.

If you watch closely you will see my word, "coffee," near the beginning. Coffee. That's my word. Because once I was really in love with someone and that someone broke my heart. That someone said one of the reasons he had to break up with me was because I didn't drink coffee.

He was serious.

I drink coffee now, by the way, and I am so glad that relationship didn't work out.

You can read more about Chris Mann and his growing popularity here and you can visit his very slick website and blog here. MannBlog Mondays on his site are especially fun.

He was a good egg.

I've been trying to keep myself from thinking too much about Easter this year. Simply because it's the holiday I most associate with my grandfather, and I miss him terribly. Growing up we would spend long Easter Sunday afternoons at my Gran Gran and Wilbur's house - eating a big lunch, hiding and finding eggs, playing Barbies, taking pictures and making home movies. This year is especially daunting now that my mom is gone. I can't imagine that I will feel very Easter-y. I had a come apart in CVS last week when I saw a little notepad like the one she had put in my Easter basket just two years ago. Oh how she loved to make an Easter basket.

And oh how my grandfather loved to make a movie. We have literally hours of home movies that Wilbur took of each of us walking down their front sidewalk toward the camera in our Easter best. Year after year after year. We now have these home movies on DVD, but I haven't been able to watch them since my mom died. The movies start when she was just a baby and it's so obvious that he was completely smitten with her...and with all of us, really. I just can't go there yet.

Wilbur used to love to tell the story of the first time he had me hide the Easter eggs for him to find. I couldn't have been more than four or five years old, and I wanted to be in charge of the game, of course. I "hid" every single egg in a pile in the top of a boxwood just beside the front porch. He had the home movie proof of this, and he enjoyed telling the same story to the same group of people every Easter Sunday. Quite possibly the most endearing quality of my grandfather's was his complete adoration of his grandchildren. And I was the first. I like to think he was most in love with me. Because I can't imagine anyone ever loving anyone like that again. 

Fret / Tweet Overload

I've decided that I am overwhelmed by social media. Twitter and Facebook are the main culprits. Probably Twitter more than anything. I discovered TweetDeck and I am obsessed with keeping up with the timelines and the columns and the @replies and the DM's. It's crazy. And don't even get me started about blip.fm. (Let's just say I'm an awesome DJ. Can I get a w00t w00t?)

I imagine my fascination and exploration will come to a grinding halt when I return to work on Monday, but I've had a great time "meeting" folks and finding new peeps to follow and picking up followers. So I mean "overwhelmed" in the nicest sense of the word. I think I've read more articles and stories as a result of tiny URL's in the last three weeks than I read all of last year. I feel so educated and enlightened...but alas, I have bills to pay, so I have to go back there. Back to work. And it's worrying me...for several reasons. Let's explore those reasons together, shall we?

Reasons I am worried about going back to work Monday

Reason #1: I have to wear a bra for at least eight hours in a row.

Reason #2: I don't think I can install TweetDeck on my office machine without getting someone else involved. And that someone else really doesn't need to know that I would be playing on Twitter at work. Not that he even knows what Twitter is. He just knows it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. And he will tattle.

Reason #3: I will not be able to continue my role as Clover's personal assistant. Who will jump up and go running to her every single time she sits in the kitchen making that high pitched dog cry? She needs me.

Reason #4: Pajama pants are not appropriate business attire.

Reason #5: I have very little use of my left arm still. How will I carry my misto and use the Tweetie app on my iPhone while walking up and down the stairs at the Ferg?

Reason #6: How will I keep up with Ashton Kutcher and John Mayer? Not to mention, Ellen. Dear God, I almost forgot about Ellen.

I think I will stop there. I'm getting more and more depressed. Truth be told, my main worry is that my educated and enlightened self will be fading away come Monday. I would like to think I will return to work full of ideas and optimism and energy, but it's just not likely in my current environment. And yes, I realize I could be to blame for that. But I'm just not sure what to do about it. That's what worries me the most, really. That and the fact that I will have to wear shoes.