However Although Thus Several Several

Fair Trade

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."   Henry Thoreau

I’m pretty sure we’ve discussed this before since I seem to have this unending chatter going on in my head about what I’m trading or giving up in life in order to accomplish this or that. The “this or that” I’m currently pondering is more accurately described as a PhD. I’m in my second year of classes – a somewhat critical point for me since I feel like completing another semester or two would mean there’s no turning back. I mean, who in their right mind would spend that much time and energy only to quit just before obtaining the illustrious prize? I realize plenty of people get all the way to the end of course work and never finish a dissertation…it’s actually pretty common. But that’s not gonna be me. The looming dissertation seems like a piece of cake to me. It’s the course work that’s killing me. The sitting in a classroom listening to excruciatingly boring lectures, the reading of chapter after chapter of blah, blah, blah, and the pretending to be impressed or enlightened by any of what I’m hearing or reading. I’m not saying I haven’t learned a lot because I certainly have. I’m just saying I don’t really care all that much about what I’ve learned. I think I’m supposed to be more interested than I am. I think I’m even supposed to be somewhat passionate about what I’m studying, but truth be told - I’m not. And that concerns me for several reasons - not the least of which is the amount of time I’m spending on it all.

Time.

Let’s talk about time, shall we?

A couple of weeks ago Bobbie Jo and I took the four nieces to The Great Pumpkin Patch for a day of adventure. It was one of those gorgeous October Saturdays that makes you acutely aware of your surroundings and causes you to remember every other beautiful fall day you’ve ever spent outside in the loveliness. I caught myself daydreaming about childhood afternoons spent crunching around in the leaves with my neighborhood peeps, remembering crazy fun nights at the Alabama State Fair with my high school pals, and reminiscing about autumn evenings sitting on the front steps of Vail dorm making out with my boyfriend when I should have been studying. Certainly you know the kind of stuff I’m talking about. It’s the kind of stuff that makes up our lives – the time spent. Time spent with those we love.

So anyway, we’re at the pumpkin patch and I’m a little overwhelmed by it all. Here are these four beautiful children who are just so open to love and fun and...life! They were just soaking up every minute of it all without even knowing it. And the things they say and do all remind me of the things we all said and did as children. Their laughter, and even their whining, is all too familiar. More than once I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my body and dance around in the pumpkins. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t thinking about a paper that was due tomorrow or a book I was supposed to read in less than a week. I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was just with those children and Bobbie Jo in that moment. It was brief, but it was oh so powerful. Over the last couple of weeks, every time I think about whether or not I should register for spring semester classes, I’m reminded of that afternoon at the pumpkin patch. I’ve wondered why the two were connected, and the only thing I can figure is that what I’m really trying to decide is if the price of a PhD is worth the amount of my life I’m exchanging for it. Is the time I’m spending worth the end result? I wish I could say I’ve had a revelation and I know what I’m going to do, but that’s not the case. I’m stuck. It’s not as simple a decision as I would like for it to be, but nothing ever is with me. (I’m cursed in that way.) Maybe if I were excited about what I’m studying I wouldn’t even stop to wonder if I should go on. Maybe if I knew I could have 10 more afternoons in a pumpkin patch with those girls I would give up the idea of a PhD. I don’t know. I guess that’s the real problem with time, isn’t it? We don’t ever know how much of it is left.

I would be willing to bet, though, that it’s not nearly enough. 

 

I make no promises

I'm a list person. Surely, you know the type - I make a list for everything. For example, I just made a list while waiting on coffee at Starbucks, and here's what it says:

• wash clothes
• read
• buy father's day cards
• post to blog
• finish uploading 365
• buy wallflowers

Because I was extensively trained in the Franklin Covey sort of way, I will prioritize this list with the ABC method, and I will go about checking things off as I do them. What doesn't get done today will get an arrow (i.e. -->) beside it which means I will move that task to the next day's list. I typically finish all the A priority tasks in a day, and I usually finish most B's, but the C's? Not so much. It's rare that I get to a C task. Suffice it to say that "post to blog" and "finish uploading 365" have been C's for a while now. And so that's why I haven't posted very much. 

I had a roommate in college who told me my lists were annoying. She claimed I was "showing off" because I would have these legal pad pages all scattered everywhere with lists. At that time, I didn't use the ABC method, I just drew a line through things I had accomplished. So there were these long lists of all the things I had done in a day staring her in the face while she watched All My Children and flipped through the latest issue of Vogue. Here's the thing, though - I wrote all sorts of things on those lists - and not just stuff I needed to do. The most mundane and insignificant of tasks went on the list, and the majority of the time, random thoughts went on the list, too. Once I had pondered the random thought for a moment, I would mark it off the list. For instance, I recently found a list I had made in college inside an old journal. Here's what it said:

• Shower
• Class
• LAURA!
• Mktg reading
• Work  2-6
• Where's my bangle?
• CFA or EC?

I've spent several days wondering what was so exciting about Laura that day that made her deserve all caps and an exclamation point. Because I have to tell you - I do not like exclamation points. Additionally, did I have a bangle? Is that a bracelet? And if so, how did I lose it? Why don't I remember it? I must have found it because I marked it off the list. 

And seriously, did I really need to put "shower" on the list? And "class?" I mean, why did I need to be reminded to take a shower and go to class? What else mattered then? (Thankfully, both tasks have a line through them.)

What has driven me the craziest is the last thing on the list: "CFA or EC?" What is that code for? I've tossed it around in my head for days, fallen asleep at night thinking about it, and even tried writing it down to see if I could remember. 

Nothing.

Well, today, in the middle of a very long lecture on the effectiveness of various pedagogies in higher education, it hit me. 

Chick-Fil-A or El Chico? 

HA! 

Where did I want to eat after work? Chick-Fil-A or El Chico? 

It's marked off the list, so I'm assuming I finally decided. I'm also assuming I chose El Chico because it's rare that I turn down an opportunity for a chip or a margarita. 

Oh, that life were so simple still. 

But hey, I can mark "post to blog" off my list now. 

By the way, I hope my former roommate is reading this, and I hope she is annoyed. 

Lordy, Lordy

Where has all the time gone? (My grandmother used to say that. She started lots of sentences with "Lordy, Lordy.")

Quick update from my fabulously exciting life:

We had a grand time at the beach last weekend. If you sneak over to the 365 blog (I finally updated it!) you might see some photos from the quick trip.

I'm back in school. I saw you roll your eyes. I'm taking two classes this semester - one infinitely more interesting than the other - in pursuit of a PhD in Higher Ed. Again, I saw you roll your eyes.

I survived the back-to-school book rush at work and so far (knocking on wood) I don't have swine flu. I'm actually off for the three day weekend, and I had hoped we could go visit Hank, but Smudge has flu and mono (She never does anything half ass) so I'm staying as far away from that house as possible.

Football starts tomorrow. It's a strange feeling to simultaneously dread and love something so much.

I'll be back one day soon - assuming my Cultural Psychology professor does not succeed in his plan to make me throw myself off of Bibb Graves Hall.

Reality getting in my way

The real reasons I haven't written more lately:

1. Work: I'm insanely busy with nothing that matters and completely overwhelmed by all that does. There are people and situations there (as I'm sure I've mentioned before) making me crazy. There's nothing I can do about it right now other than just continue to try to improve my reactions to said people and situations. That's much more difficult than it sounds. I promise.

2. Television: Both good and bad TV sucking me in lately. I hate to even say that, though, because I watch far less TV than most people I know. I'm on a bit of a reality show kick. I'm sure that says something about me and my reality, but I would like to skip that discussion for now. I've become obsessed with "Ruby." She's adorable. I catch myself slipping into her accent every now and then. I'm also digging "Police Women of Broward County." Andrea reminds me of Bobbie Jo in many ways. Clean House makes me both disgusted and giddy. And I've loved "Big Medicine" forever. I know what you are thinking - I'm a huge nerd. I know there are some great shows out there right now. I hear y'all talking about them, see you tweeting about them. I know I can't even start watching it (True Blood) or I will be hooked forever. I can't make that type of commitment right now.

3. Grief: Still working though my emotions surrounding my mom. Some days are better than others. I had forgotten that this time of year (back to school) would remind me so much of her. So I've had some come aparts lately - mostly in the school supply aisles of random retail establishments. Although a little embarrassing and inconvenient, I imagine that will be how it is for a long while.

Just thought you might want to hear my excuses. What's keeping you from writing these days?

Forging Forward

In keeping with the video theme this week, I thought I would post this that I found on Kerry Lynn's blog not too long ago. I've watched it again and again and again. Because I believe I was meant to see it at the exact moment that I did...the exact moment when I thought I couldn't possibly take one more thing happening to me or to anyone I love. Once I saw this I realized that of course I can take it. I will keep going because I always do. Bring it on.

You should be dancin'

So I know I mentioned I would give a recap of my brother's wedding that we attended a couple of weeks ago, and I will soon, but I just discovered that quite possibly the best part of the evening was captured on video and posted on YouTube. It's the father/daughter dance. Be sure to watch it all the way through (the really good stuff starts at 1:42 or so) . Once you watch it, you'll see why we love her so. Rock on Shanny! 
 

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Part 1

There are times when I don’t write much at all. I have numerous theories on why that is, but they all boil down to a couple of basic themes: 1) not enough time and 2) too much emotion. It’s as though I can’t let my brain stop long enough to record what is going on for fear that I will fall behind or fall apart - neither of which I can afford right now.  It’s always been interesting to me how writing is both my therapeutic confessional and my escape from reality. I’m happiest (and do my best work) when my life and my feelings are falling somewhere in the middle of the road. But we all know this has not been a middle of the road kind of year.

So I thought it would be best to just catch up and continue my timeline of “life since my mom died.” I imagine when the anniversary of her death comes around I will have to come up with some other way to reference time and events. Maybe by then I will have found a way to measure experience that doesn’t include my wondering what her reaction to all of this would have been. Secretly, I think she would not have handled parts of it all real well – and maybe that’s why she’s not physically here now – in the middle of it.

This will be a photo heavy post, but I find that photos tell the story better than I ever could.

OK, so where were we? Oh yes, Hank. Precious little Hank. My sister (Marianne) went into labor a few weeks early and Hank was breech so she had to have an emergency C Section. She called me at work, but I was really busy hanging out on the sales floor with this co-worker and missed the call:

Finally PJ found me and I took off for the hour long trip to the hospital. I made it just in time to be in the delivery room with her.

Whoa.

Surprisingly we all made it through that experience just fine. Here's the result:

I hung out in the nursery with Hank while he got cleaned up and ready to meet everyone. I know the nurses thought I was crazy, but they were very patient with me – explaining every little thing about him, answering my 756,000 questions, and letting me take 26 gajillion pictures. Hank and I bonded that day, and I will never forget the experience of watching him wake up to a whole new world. Truly, it was the most incredible afternoon and evening I’ve ever had. I know my mother’s spirit was there all around us those few hours.  I felt it in a way I can’t even explain.

 

(Oh, and worth remembering, if you’re in the nursery with the baby, you don’t have to be in the waiting room with all of the crazy family members.) It was very sweet to see Banana so excited about her new cousin. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, and when she finally got to hold him, she kept saying, "Little fella! Little fella!"

So a few days later when Marianne and Hank were finally home, Marianne started running a fever. The next day she ended up back in the hospital with an infection. While in the hospital she started having problems breathing. It took almost a week and many tests, etc. to figure this entire thing out, but she has been diagnosed with Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. Doctors think she will recover nicely with the medication she is taking.  She’s home again and on oxygen when needed. I think the hardest part of being in the hospital for her was being away from Hank and the girls. My brother and his wife took care of Koo Koo and Smudge the entire time. I’m sure adding those two girls to their two little girls made for a frazzled week at their house, but they all seemed to handle it well. Hank spent the first weekend with us at Bobbie Jo’s house.  Yes, you read that correctly. We (PJ, Bobbie Jo and I) kept Hank for the weekend. And he survived! We even took him to a 4^th of July party and to his newborn check-up at the pediatrician’s office. (That’s a blog entry in itself!) Let me just say that I have a new respect for all of my friends with even one child. I was beyond worn out when the weekend was over. When I had to go back to work, our Aunt Jennifer took Hank to her house for the rest of the time Marianne was in the hospital. (Jennifer raised four children so I have a feeling she knew a little more about what she was doing.)

Scenes from Hank's "Tour de Aunties" follow:

 

 

 

So that’s what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. I hope to update the 365 blog tonight or tomorrow for those of you who follow that.

All of this might have been easier to handle if other ridiculous things weren’t going on at the same time. You know, if my stepfather weren’t acting like a junior high boy with his new girlfriend. Or if the baby daddy had shown any interest in even seeing Hank. Or if my job weren't so stressful. Or if we all weren’t so consumed with worry over how all of this is going to play out for Marianne and her children.

But here's the thing - he's here and he's healthy. And we all are madly in love with him.

I'll be back here later in the week with a book review and give-away. Oh, and photos and details from my little bro's very fun wedding last weekend.

I come by it honestly

My dad is retiring from his longtime news anchor gig this month. I'm having a hard time believing he is old enough to retire...but he insists it will be just fine. As part of the celebration / remembrance of his career at the TV station where he works, the evening news has featured stories lately on his favorite things. Naturally his dogs won the "Who are Daddy's favorites" competition. Even though my human sisters and brother and I aren't even mentioned in this story - I like it.

Hank is here!

Everyone is doing well. He arrived at 4:49pm via C section (and I did not faint). He weighed 6lbs. 13oz. and is 19 inches long. He has the cutest dimple ever!
I am hiding out in the nursery with him now blogging from my phone. Hoping he gets to go to my sister's room soon.

Father's Day

The baby birdies have hatched! I can see the very tippy tops of their heads through the front door window. If the mama weren't so scary looking I might try to get closer, but I can tell she would kick my ass. And I have a long standing fear of birds.

Another bird comes to visit every now and then. I'm assuming he is the daddy because all he does is stand beside the nest looking very uninterested while the mama flies off to run some errands. As soon as she comes back, he takes off. Interesting.

Speaking of mama / daddy stuff - I'm supposed to be in the delivery room with my sister when Hank is born so I've been preparing myself by watching births on YouTube. Oh my. Just when you think you have seen it all. Today I watched a woman giving birth unattended in her home. UNATTENDED. Meaning only her husband was present and she was in this kiddie pool looking thing screaming like a wild animal and out comes a baby. Sweet Mother of God. It was unreal. Whyyyyy? Don't get me wrong - I'm impressed, but it was more like the kind of impressed you are when you see someone bungee jump. I'm not sure all that's really necessary these days. Granted I've never had a baby, but I'm thinking I would choose another option. And I'm also thinking I would have kicked that useless husband with his video camera to the curb a long time ago.

Not much else has happened around here. Well, even saying that makes me laugh because of all of the DRAMA that seems to be floating around my life these days. Lots of nonsense. There's none of it I particularly want to discuss at this point. Simply because discussing it all might interfere with my plan of IGNORING it all. Denial is a beautiful thing.