However Although Thus Several Several

Reality getting in my way

The real reasons I haven't written more lately:

1. Work: I'm insanely busy with nothing that matters and completely overwhelmed by all that does. There are people and situations there (as I'm sure I've mentioned before) making me crazy. There's nothing I can do about it right now other than just continue to try to improve my reactions to said people and situations. That's much more difficult than it sounds. I promise.

2. Television: Both good and bad TV sucking me in lately. I hate to even say that, though, because I watch far less TV than most people I know. I'm on a bit of a reality show kick. I'm sure that says something about me and my reality, but I would like to skip that discussion for now. I've become obsessed with "Ruby." She's adorable. I catch myself slipping into her accent every now and then. I'm also digging "Police Women of Broward County." Andrea reminds me of Bobbie Jo in many ways. Clean House makes me both disgusted and giddy. And I've loved "Big Medicine" forever. I know what you are thinking - I'm a huge nerd. I know there are some great shows out there right now. I hear y'all talking about them, see you tweeting about them. I know I can't even start watching it (True Blood) or I will be hooked forever. I can't make that type of commitment right now.

3. Grief: Still working though my emotions surrounding my mom. Some days are better than others. I had forgotten that this time of year (back to school) would remind me so much of her. So I've had some come aparts lately - mostly in the school supply aisles of random retail establishments. Although a little embarrassing and inconvenient, I imagine that will be how it is for a long while.

Just thought you might want to hear my excuses. What's keeping you from writing these days?

Winners in my world

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

2

Timestamp: 2009-07-20 22:00:30 UTC

And so here you go - winner of the book is the second commenter, Melinda Wilson:

LOL!!! I am very guilty of this. Do you remember back "just a COUPLE of years ago when we were in our early teens" (lol) and we would ready those harlequin romance books? If the guy looked dorky or "too proper", I wouldn't read the book!

Posted by: Melinda Wilson | July 17, 2009 at 01:43 PM

Melinda, email your snail mail address to me at mandyj318@aol.com and I will get the book in the mail to you as soon as possible. And yes, I do remember that very situation a time or two.

Thanks, y'all, for playing, and for admitting that you've done the same thing (judged a book by its cover).

I also wanted to mention that Jimmy Carter is a major winner in my book. Click here for details. Amen, brother.

Holy Roller Give-away

I'm reading a great book right now. I was asked weeks ago to participate in the blog tour for Holy Roller and thought right away that it sounded like a story I would enjoy. When the book came in the mail, something about the cover bothered me. I know I'm not supposed to think like that, but I did, and because I'm not crazy about the cover art, I put off reading it until this week. Funny how I expected to be less than enthused by the contents because I was bored by the cover. I thought I was smarter than that.

(Marketing, people. Marketing.) Oh, and I just this week realized that's a cross on the cover. I have no idea what I thought it was. And I have no suggestions, by the way, for a better cover. Just sayin'.

OK, so anyway, I'm a few chapters in and I am devouring the true story for many reasons - not the least of which is the fact that the loving and accepting spirit of the congregation Julie happens upon in her journey reminds me some of the congregation at our church in Birmingham. The kind of people who make you want to be a better person and make you wonder how we end up believing the things we believe before we really see for ourselves what is true and real. Why do we judge someone before we know them? Why do we judge a book by its cover?

I will post a publisher's summary of the book below along with some information about the author, Julie Lyons. Here's the best part of today's post, though - I have a copy of Holy Roller to give away! All you have to do to be entered to win is leave a comment. I will pick a winner Sunday evening. Tell me this - Have you ever judged a book by its cover?

            Julie Lyons was working as a crime reporter when she followed a hunch into the South Dallas ghetto. She wasn’t hunting drug dealers, but drug addicts who had been supernaturally healed of their addictions. Was there a church in the most violent part of the city that prayed for addicts and got results?
            At The Body of Christ Assembly, a rundown church on an out-of-the-way street, Lyons found the story she was looking for. The minister welcomed criminals, prostitutes, and street people–anyone who needed God. He prayed for the sick, the addicted, and the demon-possessed, and people were supernaturally healed.
            Lyons’s story landed on the front page of the Dallas Times Herald. But she got much more than just a great story, she found an unlikely spiritual home. Though the parishioners at The Body of Christ Assembly are black and Pentecostal, and Lyons is white and from a traditional church background, she embraced their spirituality–that of “the Holy Ghost and fire.”
            It’s all here in Holy Roller–the stories of people desperate for God’s help. And the actions of a God who doesn’t forget the people who need His power.

Julie Lyons is an award-winning writer, editor and investigative reporter who for more than 11 years served as editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer, an alternative weekly newspaper owned by Village Voice Media. She holds a master’s degree in journalism from Northwestern University and a B.A. in English from Seattle Pacific University. She and her husband, Larry Lyons Jr., live in Dallas with their son.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Part 1

There are times when I don’t write much at all. I have numerous theories on why that is, but they all boil down to a couple of basic themes: 1) not enough time and 2) too much emotion. It’s as though I can’t let my brain stop long enough to record what is going on for fear that I will fall behind or fall apart - neither of which I can afford right now.  It’s always been interesting to me how writing is both my therapeutic confessional and my escape from reality. I’m happiest (and do my best work) when my life and my feelings are falling somewhere in the middle of the road. But we all know this has not been a middle of the road kind of year.

So I thought it would be best to just catch up and continue my timeline of “life since my mom died.” I imagine when the anniversary of her death comes around I will have to come up with some other way to reference time and events. Maybe by then I will have found a way to measure experience that doesn’t include my wondering what her reaction to all of this would have been. Secretly, I think she would not have handled parts of it all real well – and maybe that’s why she’s not physically here now – in the middle of it.

This will be a photo heavy post, but I find that photos tell the story better than I ever could.

OK, so where were we? Oh yes, Hank. Precious little Hank. My sister (Marianne) went into labor a few weeks early and Hank was breech so she had to have an emergency C Section. She called me at work, but I was really busy hanging out on the sales floor with this co-worker and missed the call:

Finally PJ found me and I took off for the hour long trip to the hospital. I made it just in time to be in the delivery room with her.

Whoa.

Surprisingly we all made it through that experience just fine. Here's the result:

I hung out in the nursery with Hank while he got cleaned up and ready to meet everyone. I know the nurses thought I was crazy, but they were very patient with me – explaining every little thing about him, answering my 756,000 questions, and letting me take 26 gajillion pictures. Hank and I bonded that day, and I will never forget the experience of watching him wake up to a whole new world. Truly, it was the most incredible afternoon and evening I’ve ever had. I know my mother’s spirit was there all around us those few hours.  I felt it in a way I can’t even explain.

 

(Oh, and worth remembering, if you’re in the nursery with the baby, you don’t have to be in the waiting room with all of the crazy family members.) It was very sweet to see Banana so excited about her new cousin. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, and when she finally got to hold him, she kept saying, "Little fella! Little fella!"

So a few days later when Marianne and Hank were finally home, Marianne started running a fever. The next day she ended up back in the hospital with an infection. While in the hospital she started having problems breathing. It took almost a week and many tests, etc. to figure this entire thing out, but she has been diagnosed with Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. Doctors think she will recover nicely with the medication she is taking.  She’s home again and on oxygen when needed. I think the hardest part of being in the hospital for her was being away from Hank and the girls. My brother and his wife took care of Koo Koo and Smudge the entire time. I’m sure adding those two girls to their two little girls made for a frazzled week at their house, but they all seemed to handle it well. Hank spent the first weekend with us at Bobbie Jo’s house.  Yes, you read that correctly. We (PJ, Bobbie Jo and I) kept Hank for the weekend. And he survived! We even took him to a 4^th of July party and to his newborn check-up at the pediatrician’s office. (That’s a blog entry in itself!) Let me just say that I have a new respect for all of my friends with even one child. I was beyond worn out when the weekend was over. When I had to go back to work, our Aunt Jennifer took Hank to her house for the rest of the time Marianne was in the hospital. (Jennifer raised four children so I have a feeling she knew a little more about what she was doing.)

Scenes from Hank's "Tour de Aunties" follow:

 

 

 

So that’s what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. I hope to update the 365 blog tonight or tomorrow for those of you who follow that.

All of this might have been easier to handle if other ridiculous things weren’t going on at the same time. You know, if my stepfather weren’t acting like a junior high boy with his new girlfriend. Or if the baby daddy had shown any interest in even seeing Hank. Or if my job weren't so stressful. Or if we all weren’t so consumed with worry over how all of this is going to play out for Marianne and her children.

But here's the thing - he's here and he's healthy. And we all are madly in love with him.

I'll be back here later in the week with a book review and give-away. Oh, and photos and details from my little bro's very fun wedding last weekend.

Me since her

I had knee surgery last week and that shall be my latest excuse for not blogging. Now that we've gotten that out of the way:

Seriously I feel like everything I've written (whether on paper, here on this blog or in my head) in the last several months has started with "since my mom died." It's as though I measure all time now by its proximity to November 18, 2008. I'm not exactly sure why that is given the fact that as relationships go - my mother and I didn't have the best of one. Maybe we were closer than I even knew - in one of those mother/daughter bonds that I've read about over the years but wasn't consciously aware I was participating in.

More likely is the possibility that I'm not only grieving her death, but grieving the relationship I so badly wanted with her that will now, for sure, never exist. I don't know that given more time our issues would have been resolved. I tend to doubt it based on her emotional state over the last few years and my inability to just let go of all that was eating away at me.

I forgave her long ago for all the things I thought she had done or said to me that were inappropriate, ridiculous or overbearing. But even after forgiving her, I never really let her get too close to me again. Not that she tried or pushed, really. I think she thought we just were who we were, and she loved me in spite of that. I know she had to do her fair share of forgiving, too. I can't imagine trying to raise (much less love and nurture) such a smart ass know-it-all. But she did love me. Fiercely. Having never had children, I guess I really can't even imagine how deeply she loved me.

Here's the problem, though...the thing that keeps ringing in my head and breaking my heart is that no one will ever love me like that again. There is no other mama. She was it. She waited on me to come around and all the while she loved me just the same. I want so badly to know I didn't disappoint her like I think I must have. I want so badly to know that she didn't notice my holding back.

A bird has built a nest just outside on our front porch awning and we have the perfect view of her through a window above the front door. I have no idea how long it takes for the baby birdies to hatch, but she's been there for days sitting and waiting. She's there every single time I walk by. Her position rarely changes. When PJ first saw her, he thought she was dead because she's so still and quiet. But we can see she is breathing. I keep checking on her, thinking she will give up and abandon what must be an empty nest. But there she sits. The mama. Waiting on something to love. I hope she's not disappointed.

Quarantined with Whine Flu

Allow me to share here what all has happened in my small corner of the world in the last twelve months. I will even link you back to the blog entry that gives details in case you've missed something along the way.

April 2008 Kelli (my sweet Knoxville friend) died.

June 2008 My grandmother died.

July 2008 Phill (my funny and exceptionally kind friend from high school, college and post college insanity days) died.

August 2008 I was in a terrible "We're all going to die" funk.

October 2008 Addison (my brother's 2nd child) was born. Things started looking up.

November 2008 My mother died.

January 2009 Found out my sister is pregnant at age 41 with her 4th child.

February 2009 My friend, Jennifer, lost her young and full of life dad to a massive heart attack.

February 2009 I had shoulder surgery. It sucked.

February 2009 (Yes, we're still in February.) My stepfather announced he is seeing someone. (Yes, it had been less than 3 months since my mom died. I hadn't even had time to get my hair cut or colored since before my mom's death, but he has had time to start seeing someone. He's still seeing her, by the way, and we're all supposed to be OK with this.)

April 2009 I had a wreck and totaled my car.

April 2009 My knee started hurting just as I was finishing up physical therapy for my shoulder. Seems I hurt it in the wreck.

May 2009 Found out I have to have a knee scope to repair a torn meniscus.

Needless to say, I'm a little overwhelmed. 

As is typical, there's a whole lot more to each story. I'm not even including the background drama. Trust me - there's always background drama - especially in my family. I'm talking about the kind of drama that would make blockbuster movies and chart topping novels if only I had the time.

I thought the above time line might help explain my absence from here, my inability to make the simplest of decisions, my lack of patience and resulting pissy mood, and/or my tendency to just sit here in my office and stare at the walls. "Anti-social" would be the kindest way to describe me these days.

I have to say, I'm starting to feel like I'm being bullied a bit. I realize all of these things that have happened are not "about" me. These events have happened to more than just little me. I also realize that many people are in far worse shape than I am. Many people have gone and will go through much more in much less time. But let it be known - I am tired and I am over it.

Here's the thing that I know, though. I will be fine. I always am. I always make it through because I'm strong and stubborn and smart and well, I'm a survivor. One way I know I'm starting to feel better is my increased attention to music. For months I haven't really listened to anything, unable to concentrate, not wanting the noise in my head. That's not like me at all. Music has always been an escape for me so when I realized I was no longer interested, I knew I was in trouble. But just recently I've re-discovered songs on my iPod, some I don't even remember loading, and I've caught myself singing along and even dancing in the living room a time or two. That's a good sign, but I don't want to jinx anything so I will leave it at that.

So...feel free to cut me some slack.

Yesterday I stumbled upon something I had written in my day planner a long while ago thinking I might use the thought on a scrapbook page later. (I can't remember where I saw the quote or I would credit it.) I'm thinking now that there was a reason I wrote it down, and I suggest you take it to heart, too.

Life is tough. I recommend getting a manicure and a really cute helmet.

Fret / Tweet Overload

I've decided that I am overwhelmed by social media. Twitter and Facebook are the main culprits. Probably Twitter more than anything. I discovered TweetDeck and I am obsessed with keeping up with the timelines and the columns and the @replies and the DM's. It's crazy. And don't even get me started about blip.fm. (Let's just say I'm an awesome DJ. Can I get a w00t w00t?)

I imagine my fascination and exploration will come to a grinding halt when I return to work on Monday, but I've had a great time "meeting" folks and finding new peeps to follow and picking up followers. So I mean "overwhelmed" in the nicest sense of the word. I think I've read more articles and stories as a result of tiny URL's in the last three weeks than I read all of last year. I feel so educated and enlightened...but alas, I have bills to pay, so I have to go back there. Back to work. And it's worrying me...for several reasons. Let's explore those reasons together, shall we?

Reasons I am worried about going back to work Monday

Reason #1: I have to wear a bra for at least eight hours in a row.

Reason #2: I don't think I can install TweetDeck on my office machine without getting someone else involved. And that someone else really doesn't need to know that I would be playing on Twitter at work. Not that he even knows what Twitter is. He just knows it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. And he will tattle.

Reason #3: I will not be able to continue my role as Clover's personal assistant. Who will jump up and go running to her every single time she sits in the kitchen making that high pitched dog cry? She needs me.

Reason #4: Pajama pants are not appropriate business attire.

Reason #5: I have very little use of my left arm still. How will I carry my misto and use the Tweetie app on my iPhone while walking up and down the stairs at the Ferg?

Reason #6: How will I keep up with Ashton Kutcher and John Mayer? Not to mention, Ellen. Dear God, I almost forgot about Ellen.

I think I will stop there. I'm getting more and more depressed. Truth be told, my main worry is that my educated and enlightened self will be fading away come Monday. I would like to think I will return to work full of ideas and optimism and energy, but it's just not likely in my current environment. And yes, I realize I could be to blame for that. But I'm just not sure what to do about it. That's what worries me the most, really. That and the fact that I will have to wear shoes.

Not blogging about blogging

I read just a few nights ago that one of the most important rules of blogging is: "Do not blog about blogging." Although I understand that concept in a way, I think there's a time and place for everything. I also think that my blogging routine has changed, and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that. It's simple, really. I don't write as much as I used to. At least not here I don't.

Lately most of my writing has been in 140 character tidbits here and there on twitter. I don't even write those very much, though. I go there to read. I've spent hours lying in bed reading tweets on my iPhone while tripping on the Lortab I'm taking post shoulder surgery. I follow links and I read stuff and then I follow some more links and I read some more stuff. I told my therapist last week that I feel like I'm doing important research when I'm in this geek zone. Of course she thinks I'm using it (twitter) to keep from showing up here (or anywhere that would reveal more than 140 characters about how I am feeling). She has a point.

I've also been writing in this book that Virginia made for me. It was supposed to be an art journal, but one Sunday night I grabbed it because it was closest to the bed and I needed to write about seeing my mom earlier in the day and the ominous feeling I had about her health. When she died two days later I picked up the book again, and I've continued to use it for recording my feelings surrounding her death. The book is getting full already...random memories, stories, complaints about relatives, rants and prayers...all in one place. Occasionally I read back through it to remind myself that I'm moving in the right direction in this grief process.

So I guess it's not completely accurate to say I haven't been writing. My writing has become more personal lately. I'm using it as a tool to deal with my grief, and I really didn't think this blog was the appropriate place for me to do that. Notice I said, "for me." I wish I were the type person who could just open up about everything here - especially if it would help someone who might be dealing with the same type issues, but I can't. I don't know why. I could venture a guess but it doesn't matter.

I imagine it will pass - this writer's blogger's block. Until then I will show up when I show up. And I will try to be engaging and witty and deep...and not do so much blogging about blogging.

Breaker, breaker

Sometimes people get on my nerves. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just got snippy with the cashier at Publix for no particular reason. Just because he was there, and he was on the other end of the piece of crap debit card machine that was making me late returning from my lunch hour. I probably should go back and apologize to him...maybe another day. If I went back today there's no telling what would happen or what I might say. For now, he's better off without my apology.

So there's this big dog and pony show happening here tomorrow and I'm having a hard time conjuring up any real concern over it. I'm not even dreading it like I typically dread any and all meetings. I just don't really care about it. That, my friends, should be a LARGE red flag. It could be the calm before the storm. I'm due for a complete hissy fit and who knows? It might just happen tomorrow during this all day fiasco. Stay tuned.

Speaking of tomorrow - it's my last day of work for a good long while. I am having shoulder surgery Wednesday and won't be back at work until after spring break. (Can I get an "amen?" Sad, I know.) It's a minor surgery and the physical therapy should be the worst part, but I'm so ready for the thing to quit hurting that I would do just about anything at this point. For the last two nights I have had strange dreams that relate to the upcoming procedure. For instance, in one dream, the surgeon thought he was supposed to amputate my arm so when I woke up I only had a shoulder remaining, and the shoulder was still hurting - so I was pissed. Not pissed because my arm was missing, but pissed because my shoulder still hurt.

I updated However365 last night. I'm totally impressed with myself for keeping up with this project. I would be even more impressed if I took every photo with the Nikon, but I'm trying to make it easy, so some of them are taken with the iPhone...not the best quality, but still a glimpse of the rock star life I lead. I know you appreciate the inside scoop.

Thanks so much for all of your sweet comments about Hank. Sissy even called to tell me I have such sweet friends. I already knew that, though. I really appreciate your support and encouragement for all of us, but especially for her. Thank you.

I may be absent for a bit due to my surgery and resulting torture physical therapy, but I will try to tweet every now and then. I'm thinking Jen Lancaster is right when she says, "Twitter is the new CB radio." I'm getting hooked even though I don't say much. I do a whole lot of following and a good bit of researching trends and looking at tweets that my GPS finds near me. It's all fascinating. Especially if you are a big nerd like I am. If you're on Twitter, let me know in the comments so I can follow you. You can follow me, too, if you want: @howeveralthough, but like I said, I'm a little quiet. Not sure what that's about. I imagine that will change soon enough. (Insert same calm before the storm theory.)

Hey, does The Bachelor come on tonight? I think so! My mood just improved. (Even sadder, I know.) Maybe I should go see that cashier after all. Poor thing. He's probably still wondering what he did to make that woman with the Cheez-its and People go bat shit crazy on him.

(Yes, PJ, I bought a People just for you.)

The Blissdom recap I almost didn't write

I'm neurotic.

I am fresh back from a conference about blogging and I'm scared to blog about it. At least I think I'm scared...I'm not sure what to call it...overwhelmed, maybe? Freaked out, maybe?

So.

Blissdom'09.

Wow.

I had been there 10 minutes when I texted PJ to say, "They're all young and pretty." I was completely intimidated by them...these sexy geeky girls who seemed to know so much more than me about so many sexy geeky things. I wasn't prepared. It had not occurred to me before that moment that I might not be the smartest person there. I was out-numbered, out-dressed, out-teched. And it was not a good feeling. I clammed up and hardly spoke to anyone for several hours. Why had I wanted to go to this smart girl summit in the first place? What was I thinking? What had I hoped to accomplish? And why didn't I bring along one of my bloggy friends? Why didn't I bring cards? And why the hell don't I have a MacBook?

Somehow I resisted my urge to crawl out of the room, and I listened and I watched. And pretty soon I was into it. Really into it. But even as into it as I was - I didn't make new friends there. Not because people were rude, but because I didn't really try to make new friends. I was too busy trying to process all of the information while making sure no one discovered I wasn't making new friends and felt like they had to make small talk with me. Luckily it's easy to avoid the whole small talk scene if your head is in your laptop or your iPhone for two days.

I learned so much from every aspect of the weekend - the speakers, the panels, the eavesdropping, the observing of everyone else. There were many highlights: I met Jen Lancaster, but couldn't think of a thing to say except, "I'm a big fan." And "I love your writing." And "I'm a big fan." I learned way more about twitter than I ever imagined possible. (You can follow me @howeveralthough, by the way.) I discovered Chris Mann. (Hello, he is adorable.) I met a marketing dude from Wal-Mart. (And yes, I was nice to him. I liked him.) I got some cool swag. I consumed about 7,000 calories in Little Debbie 100 Calories Snacks.

Eventually (maybe two hours before the weekend was over) I realized I did fit in (sort of) and I got more comfortable (sort of). But by then I was also on tech overload and completely exhausted. Then it was time to go. All in all - I loved it. Next year I'm making Virginia go with me. (And I'm taking a MacBook even if I have to steal one on the way there.)

OK. There. I blogged about it. Attention sexy geeky girls - leave me a comment. Much preferred to small talk.