Today I am sad. Again. I was thinking of that song, "Something More" by Sugarland on the way home today..."I need a little less hard time. I need a little more bliss."
My friend, Jennifer, is hurting. Her dad died of a massive heart attack this morning. He was a great man. She is a great woman. They are a great family. I don't get it. Please don't try to explain it to me. I won't believe you when you say that there's a reason for everything. What reason is there for such sorrow? Seriously? He was only 67. When my mom died more than one person told me that things happen for a reason. I think that's an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. Things happen. And sometimes things suck. Do I doubt that God is in control? Not really. But I still don't get it. More and more I am wondering what it's all about. When I talked to Jennifer today I could hear in her voice that same thing I heard and have heard in my voice ever since my mom died. Just complete shock and disbelief. Why? Why now? Why us?
I can't even discuss it. I just needed to say (write) it. You can read about Jennifer's dad here. Dr. Corts left a huge mark on life.
Speaking of the Sugarland song...I got that one in my head because I'm looking forward to Blissdom '09 this weekend. (Bliss? What's that?) Anyway, I'm really excited about sharing the weekend with these amazing women and getting to hear Jen Lancaster live and in person. (I am, as you know, a HUGE fan.) My ticket to the conference was a gift from Bobbie Jo, and I think it was the perfect gift for me in lots of ways. PJ is going to Nashville with me so I'm also looking forward to a weekend away with him. I hope we get to see my little bro and his fiancee while we are there...and we might even take in the Opry one night.
Blissdom '09 is all about blogging...and more and more I'm realizing that blogging is a huge part of my life...both the writing of my blog and the reading of other blogs. Blogging is how I will leave a part of me here when I am gone. It and scrapbooking, for me, are about leaving a mark. I saw this quote on the Scrap, Etc. event site recently and thought it summed up my perspective quite nicely:
"Above all else it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had ideas and I had a good purpose and that's why I made works of art." - Felix Gonzalez-Torres
you know, i'm the worst at saying 'everything happens for a reason' - i mean seriously, i say it all the time. but yes, i don't get the reason - really, i don't. this is something jason and i have really struggled with since cole was diagnosed in 2005. i held strong to my beliefs though and now after i say 'everything happens for a reason' i usually follow it up with a 'i just don't need to know what it is'. i feel that way because the reason may not be good enough for me - so i don't need to know, don't want to know. there is no reason good enough for so many bad things to happen and i can name so many that have happened to friends and family (and us). i just hope one day we'll get it and see the why - but in the meantime it sucks!! i'm sorry for your friend - i just can't imagine. that's something i've been thinking about a lot more lately - my parents, and their age and the things that could just happen. oh the anxiety!!
Posted by: lisa tanner | February 04, 2009 at 09:08 PM
That's definitely one of my favorite quotes (and well, duh, I was the one that put it on there.. hehe).
I don't want to rock anyone's boat, but I'm not really a fan of the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. I do believe God is in control, and I know that He knows what stuff is going to happen- it doesn't take Him by surprise like it does us... but I think that there are things that happen because the world is broken. It is a broken place, full of broken people. It is not redeemed, not perfect like it once was... so in that, there are horrible things, like death and rape and all sorts of crap, that happen because this is a messed up place. So I suppose you could say it all happens for a reason- but in a more generic way. As in, sin and death and crappy stuff happens as a way to point us all to the fact that we need Hope.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, that's what you get when you have a girl leaving comments that studied way too much theology & philosophy (and is married to a dude with a degree in Christian ethics). HA!
And also... enough of my musings and more of my lovin' on Mandy. I'm sorry that you've been suffering so much lately and I do hope you have a restful (and blissful!) weekend away. :) XOXO.
Posted by: virginia | February 04, 2009 at 09:19 PM
Hey, I had an ultra long comment typed, so I am emailing it!
Posted by: b | February 04, 2009 at 10:35 PM
Very good. Loved this post. I heard about Blissdom through your blog, and totally would have packed up and gone if I didn't have a wedding or bachelorette party to attend...I can't remember which, they are all running together...??... So, next year I'm so there!
Posted by: Kindredly | February 12, 2009 at 11:47 AM