However Although Thus Several Several

Channeling Carrie Bradshaw

Today was one of those perfect almost fall kind of days...amber sun shining, big puffy clouds, deep blue sky, and a temperature that's just a notch or two cooler than it has been in months. It was the kind of day that Alabamians use to reassure themselves that summer will indeed end at some point. You know, it's like Mother Nature tossing us a bone. 

These are the days that I most love working on a college campus. The hustle and bustle of students hurrying to class; professors gathered in small groups chatting over coffee; bicycles and buses whizzing by; squirrels acting a fool on the Quad - it's all a bit magical in the fall. And so I typically choose to walk to meetings and classes on these days so that I can soak it all in. Breaking free from my windowless dungeon of an office is a treat any time, but on a day like today, I was downright gleeful as I started my trek across campus for my 2:00 class. I mean, who wouldn't be giddy to be counted among Alabama's best and brightest? For a few minutes I can go back in time to the glorious Samford days...when I was one of the preppy sorority girls meandering through life with all my beautiful friends...

I was thinking as I stepped on to the sidewalk that I really should try to lighten my load. I tend to carry way too much stuff in my hands. I had both my Vera bag (with my MacBook Pro in it) and my ridiculously heavy purse on my shoulder. I also had my phone in one hand and my Tervis tumbler of unsweet tea in the other. "Maybe I should stop by my car and drop some of this off," I thought to myself. Before I had a chance to make a decision on that, though, I began to lose my balance. "Oh God, NO. I am not falling. NO." I started to panic. The sidewalk was crowded with students. Young, beautiful students. Students who were having no trouble with their balance. "Do NOT let this happen. Do not fall." I kept walking trying to steady myself. Then I knew it was going to happen, and I knew I wouldn't be able to prevent it. 

All six feet of me went sailing through the air and landed face down and flat on the sidewalk. My bags flew one way. My phone ended up in the street. My Tervis rolled up the sidewalk. I'm pretty sure I screamed like a girl when I was falling. Three students stopped to help me. Thirty or so looked on in horror. I jumped up rather quickly while two young men gathered my belongings and repeatedly asked if I was OK. They really were sweet, but I couldn't even express my gratitude because all I really wanted was for the ground to open up and suck me in.

It wasn't until I was several hundred feet away that I realized the palms of my hands and my elbows were bleeding. My right knee was throbbing. (This is the same knee that my doctor stuck with the world's largest needle of cortisone last week.) I made it to the building where my class meets, and tried to cobble myself back together in the ladies' room with the two Hello Kitty bandaids I managed to find in that ridiculously heavy purse.

As I was leaving the restroom I overheard a young lady telling her friend, "My mawmaw fell down the stairs this weekend." 

 

I make no promises

I'm a list person. Surely, you know the type - I make a list for everything. For example, I just made a list while waiting on coffee at Starbucks, and here's what it says:

• wash clothes
• read
• buy father's day cards
• post to blog
• finish uploading 365
• buy wallflowers

Because I was extensively trained in the Franklin Covey sort of way, I will prioritize this list with the ABC method, and I will go about checking things off as I do them. What doesn't get done today will get an arrow (i.e. -->) beside it which means I will move that task to the next day's list. I typically finish all the A priority tasks in a day, and I usually finish most B's, but the C's? Not so much. It's rare that I get to a C task. Suffice it to say that "post to blog" and "finish uploading 365" have been C's for a while now. And so that's why I haven't posted very much. 

I had a roommate in college who told me my lists were annoying. She claimed I was "showing off" because I would have these legal pad pages all scattered everywhere with lists. At that time, I didn't use the ABC method, I just drew a line through things I had accomplished. So there were these long lists of all the things I had done in a day staring her in the face while she watched All My Children and flipped through the latest issue of Vogue. Here's the thing, though - I wrote all sorts of things on those lists - and not just stuff I needed to do. The most mundane and insignificant of tasks went on the list, and the majority of the time, random thoughts went on the list, too. Once I had pondered the random thought for a moment, I would mark it off the list. For instance, I recently found a list I had made in college inside an old journal. Here's what it said:

• Shower
• Class
• LAURA!
• Mktg reading
• Work  2-6
• Where's my bangle?
• CFA or EC?

I've spent several days wondering what was so exciting about Laura that day that made her deserve all caps and an exclamation point. Because I have to tell you - I do not like exclamation points. Additionally, did I have a bangle? Is that a bracelet? And if so, how did I lose it? Why don't I remember it? I must have found it because I marked it off the list. 

And seriously, did I really need to put "shower" on the list? And "class?" I mean, why did I need to be reminded to take a shower and go to class? What else mattered then? (Thankfully, both tasks have a line through them.)

What has driven me the craziest is the last thing on the list: "CFA or EC?" What is that code for? I've tossed it around in my head for days, fallen asleep at night thinking about it, and even tried writing it down to see if I could remember. 

Nothing.

Well, today, in the middle of a very long lecture on the effectiveness of various pedagogies in higher education, it hit me. 

Chick-Fil-A or El Chico? 

HA! 

Where did I want to eat after work? Chick-Fil-A or El Chico? 

It's marked off the list, so I'm assuming I finally decided. I'm also assuming I chose El Chico because it's rare that I turn down an opportunity for a chip or a margarita. 

Oh, that life were so simple still. 

But hey, I can mark "post to blog" off my list now. 

By the way, I hope my former roommate is reading this, and I hope she is annoyed. 

I think it's neat how

1) Because he's still just as precious as ever, I'm not embarrassed to say that I had the BIGGEST most ridiculous crush on Donny Osmond when I was a child.

2) Taking a class or two can make me forget (for a moment) to dread going back to work the next morning. 

3)  Acquiring a MacBook Pro can make life so much easier. Oh, Apple. Sigh.

4) The snake on our porch knew better than to show up when I was around.

5) There are college kids around here (mostly male) who impress me daily with their wisdom, intelligence and maturity. (Maybe a total of 3?)

6) I haven't killed any of the ones who don't fit in the above category - yet.

7) Smucker's Uncrustables now come on whole wheat bread.

8) Macy Gray doesn't give a flying rat's ass what anyone thinks about her.

9) Kelly Osborne can even get out of bed - much less ballroom dance.

10) I have so much free time I can spend my evenings watching such nonsense rather than reading the 75 chapters and 92 articles I've been assigned to read.   

That's all for now.

Lordy, Lordy

Where has all the time gone? (My grandmother used to say that. She started lots of sentences with "Lordy, Lordy.")

Quick update from my fabulously exciting life:

We had a grand time at the beach last weekend. If you sneak over to the 365 blog (I finally updated it!) you might see some photos from the quick trip.

I'm back in school. I saw you roll your eyes. I'm taking two classes this semester - one infinitely more interesting than the other - in pursuit of a PhD in Higher Ed. Again, I saw you roll your eyes.

I survived the back-to-school book rush at work and so far (knocking on wood) I don't have swine flu. I'm actually off for the three day weekend, and I had hoped we could go visit Hank, but Smudge has flu and mono (She never does anything half ass) so I'm staying as far away from that house as possible.

Football starts tomorrow. It's a strange feeling to simultaneously dread and love something so much.

I'll be back one day soon - assuming my Cultural Psychology professor does not succeed in his plan to make me throw myself off of Bibb Graves Hall.

Reality getting in my way

The real reasons I haven't written more lately:

1. Work: I'm insanely busy with nothing that matters and completely overwhelmed by all that does. There are people and situations there (as I'm sure I've mentioned before) making me crazy. There's nothing I can do about it right now other than just continue to try to improve my reactions to said people and situations. That's much more difficult than it sounds. I promise.

2. Television: Both good and bad TV sucking me in lately. I hate to even say that, though, because I watch far less TV than most people I know. I'm on a bit of a reality show kick. I'm sure that says something about me and my reality, but I would like to skip that discussion for now. I've become obsessed with "Ruby." She's adorable. I catch myself slipping into her accent every now and then. I'm also digging "Police Women of Broward County." Andrea reminds me of Bobbie Jo in many ways. Clean House makes me both disgusted and giddy. And I've loved "Big Medicine" forever. I know what you are thinking - I'm a huge nerd. I know there are some great shows out there right now. I hear y'all talking about them, see you tweeting about them. I know I can't even start watching it (True Blood) or I will be hooked forever. I can't make that type of commitment right now.

3. Grief: Still working though my emotions surrounding my mom. Some days are better than others. I had forgotten that this time of year (back to school) would remind me so much of her. So I've had some come aparts lately - mostly in the school supply aisles of random retail establishments. Although a little embarrassing and inconvenient, I imagine that will be how it is for a long while.

Just thought you might want to hear my excuses. What's keeping you from writing these days?

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Part 1

There are times when I don’t write much at all. I have numerous theories on why that is, but they all boil down to a couple of basic themes: 1) not enough time and 2) too much emotion. It’s as though I can’t let my brain stop long enough to record what is going on for fear that I will fall behind or fall apart - neither of which I can afford right now.  It’s always been interesting to me how writing is both my therapeutic confessional and my escape from reality. I’m happiest (and do my best work) when my life and my feelings are falling somewhere in the middle of the road. But we all know this has not been a middle of the road kind of year.

So I thought it would be best to just catch up and continue my timeline of “life since my mom died.” I imagine when the anniversary of her death comes around I will have to come up with some other way to reference time and events. Maybe by then I will have found a way to measure experience that doesn’t include my wondering what her reaction to all of this would have been. Secretly, I think she would not have handled parts of it all real well – and maybe that’s why she’s not physically here now – in the middle of it.

This will be a photo heavy post, but I find that photos tell the story better than I ever could.

OK, so where were we? Oh yes, Hank. Precious little Hank. My sister (Marianne) went into labor a few weeks early and Hank was breech so she had to have an emergency C Section. She called me at work, but I was really busy hanging out on the sales floor with this co-worker and missed the call:

Finally PJ found me and I took off for the hour long trip to the hospital. I made it just in time to be in the delivery room with her.

Whoa.

Surprisingly we all made it through that experience just fine. Here's the result:

I hung out in the nursery with Hank while he got cleaned up and ready to meet everyone. I know the nurses thought I was crazy, but they were very patient with me – explaining every little thing about him, answering my 756,000 questions, and letting me take 26 gajillion pictures. Hank and I bonded that day, and I will never forget the experience of watching him wake up to a whole new world. Truly, it was the most incredible afternoon and evening I’ve ever had. I know my mother’s spirit was there all around us those few hours.  I felt it in a way I can’t even explain.

 

(Oh, and worth remembering, if you’re in the nursery with the baby, you don’t have to be in the waiting room with all of the crazy family members.) It was very sweet to see Banana so excited about her new cousin. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, and when she finally got to hold him, she kept saying, "Little fella! Little fella!"

So a few days later when Marianne and Hank were finally home, Marianne started running a fever. The next day she ended up back in the hospital with an infection. While in the hospital she started having problems breathing. It took almost a week and many tests, etc. to figure this entire thing out, but she has been diagnosed with Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. Doctors think she will recover nicely with the medication she is taking.  She’s home again and on oxygen when needed. I think the hardest part of being in the hospital for her was being away from Hank and the girls. My brother and his wife took care of Koo Koo and Smudge the entire time. I’m sure adding those two girls to their two little girls made for a frazzled week at their house, but they all seemed to handle it well. Hank spent the first weekend with us at Bobbie Jo’s house.  Yes, you read that correctly. We (PJ, Bobbie Jo and I) kept Hank for the weekend. And he survived! We even took him to a 4^th of July party and to his newborn check-up at the pediatrician’s office. (That’s a blog entry in itself!) Let me just say that I have a new respect for all of my friends with even one child. I was beyond worn out when the weekend was over. When I had to go back to work, our Aunt Jennifer took Hank to her house for the rest of the time Marianne was in the hospital. (Jennifer raised four children so I have a feeling she knew a little more about what she was doing.)

Scenes from Hank's "Tour de Aunties" follow:

 

 

 

So that’s what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. I hope to update the 365 blog tonight or tomorrow for those of you who follow that.

All of this might have been easier to handle if other ridiculous things weren’t going on at the same time. You know, if my stepfather weren’t acting like a junior high boy with his new girlfriend. Or if the baby daddy had shown any interest in even seeing Hank. Or if my job weren't so stressful. Or if we all weren’t so consumed with worry over how all of this is going to play out for Marianne and her children.

But here's the thing - he's here and he's healthy. And we all are madly in love with him.

I'll be back here later in the week with a book review and give-away. Oh, and photos and details from my little bro's very fun wedding last weekend.

I come by it honestly

My dad is retiring from his longtime news anchor gig this month. I'm having a hard time believing he is old enough to retire...but he insists it will be just fine. As part of the celebration / remembrance of his career at the TV station where he works, the evening news has featured stories lately on his favorite things. Naturally his dogs won the "Who are Daddy's favorites" competition. Even though my human sisters and brother and I aren't even mentioned in this story - I like it.

Remedy

I have a suggestion for you. If you ever want to be reminded of your blessings or of the good things in your life, write a blog post about how bad your life sucks. I've spent the last couple of days thinking that I'm a big baby and that I need to get over myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought that about me lately.

Truth be told - lots of good and downright wonderful things have happened over the last twelve months as well. Just to name a few:

My little bro, Matt, and his girlfriend, Shannon, got engaged! Remember them? We're really excited for them...big wedding and lots of Chattanooga fun coming up the weekend of July 11th.

PJ's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. We had a fun weekend away at Callaway Gardens with the whole family at the end of the summer to celebrate. I'm supposedly working on a scrapbook about their marriage, but I haven't had the time to finish it yet. I'm so looking forward to spending some hours putting it together this summer. I love looking at their photos from over the years. They've got a sweet story that needs documenting.

In other travel news - I got to go to the Scrap, Etc. Event in Nashville last spring. We took a really fun vacation to our favorite beach spot in July. And I was able to attend Blissdom'09 this past February. There I got to meet Jen Lancaster along with hundreds of other amazing women. It was also there that I met and discovered the music of the one and only Chris Mann.

In crafty news, I made the Scrap, Etc. Design Team after creating this rocking (if I do say so myself) album all about me. (Narcissistic much?) BTW, I just got the word that Scrap, Etc. is closing. I'm really sad about that, but totally get the decision. I can't imagine the stress of trying to run a retail operation in this economy and with such competition. Oh wait, yes I can. It's what I do. And as I said, I totally get the decision. Lucy, I wish you nothing but the best - and lots of time to play tennis and love on Emma and John Connor and hang at the beach. You deserve it.

I also started a blog of photos. I'm taking one photo every day and then posting those to However365. Not only has it been challenging and fun, but watching our days in photos has made me more aware of the little things we have and do that all come together to make one big life.

More times than I can count over the last year, we have heard some kick ass music live and in person. I blogged in October about our experience at Kentuck, but there's been more...like hearing Emmylou Harris sing at Phill's memorial service and then chatting with her about the brownies at the reception later. Just last week we had to chance to hear Robinella again. She always blows me away.

I count the time I get to spend with our nieces and nephews as some of the best days of my life. And because so much has happened in our family this year, we've been together a whole lot more often. I like that. Nothing makes me feel better than snuggling up to that precious Addison and breathing in her baby sweetness. She, Koo Koo, Smudge and Banana have made dealing with my mom's death easier and have reminded me more than once that this is not about me. And of course, I can't wait to meet Hank. As worried as I have been about my sister and her life and how in the world she is gonna pull this off, I'm filled with giddy anticipation. I cannot wait to have this little man to love and spoil. BTW, Koo Koo, Smudge and I are hosting a baby shower this weekend for my sister. It's going to be over the top with cuteness. I can't wait to post photos and a recap here next week. Meanwhile, take a look at the invitation. See? I told you. Cute.

So I would venture to say that what I have lived over the last twelve months is called "life," and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever experienced its ups and downs. Through all of this good and bad I've had PJ and amazing friends to pick me up, push me around, and love me. There's no way I could have made it without them. Maybe becoming more aware of that is what the last year was supposed to be about...who knows. What's any of it about?

In the words of Robinella, "Life is beautiful and sometimes grim. But it's now and forever. Amen."

Amen. Can I get a witness?

Quarantined with Whine Flu

Allow me to share here what all has happened in my small corner of the world in the last twelve months. I will even link you back to the blog entry that gives details in case you've missed something along the way.

April 2008 Kelli (my sweet Knoxville friend) died.

June 2008 My grandmother died.

July 2008 Phill (my funny and exceptionally kind friend from high school, college and post college insanity days) died.

August 2008 I was in a terrible "We're all going to die" funk.

October 2008 Addison (my brother's 2nd child) was born. Things started looking up.

November 2008 My mother died.

January 2009 Found out my sister is pregnant at age 41 with her 4th child.

February 2009 My friend, Jennifer, lost her young and full of life dad to a massive heart attack.

February 2009 I had shoulder surgery. It sucked.

February 2009 (Yes, we're still in February.) My stepfather announced he is seeing someone. (Yes, it had been less than 3 months since my mom died. I hadn't even had time to get my hair cut or colored since before my mom's death, but he has had time to start seeing someone. He's still seeing her, by the way, and we're all supposed to be OK with this.)

April 2009 I had a wreck and totaled my car.

April 2009 My knee started hurting just as I was finishing up physical therapy for my shoulder. Seems I hurt it in the wreck.

May 2009 Found out I have to have a knee scope to repair a torn meniscus.

Needless to say, I'm a little overwhelmed. 

As is typical, there's a whole lot more to each story. I'm not even including the background drama. Trust me - there's always background drama - especially in my family. I'm talking about the kind of drama that would make blockbuster movies and chart topping novels if only I had the time.

I thought the above time line might help explain my absence from here, my inability to make the simplest of decisions, my lack of patience and resulting pissy mood, and/or my tendency to just sit here in my office and stare at the walls. "Anti-social" would be the kindest way to describe me these days.

I have to say, I'm starting to feel like I'm being bullied a bit. I realize all of these things that have happened are not "about" me. These events have happened to more than just little me. I also realize that many people are in far worse shape than I am. Many people have gone and will go through much more in much less time. But let it be known - I am tired and I am over it.

Here's the thing that I know, though. I will be fine. I always am. I always make it through because I'm strong and stubborn and smart and well, I'm a survivor. One way I know I'm starting to feel better is my increased attention to music. For months I haven't really listened to anything, unable to concentrate, not wanting the noise in my head. That's not like me at all. Music has always been an escape for me so when I realized I was no longer interested, I knew I was in trouble. But just recently I've re-discovered songs on my iPod, some I don't even remember loading, and I've caught myself singing along and even dancing in the living room a time or two. That's a good sign, but I don't want to jinx anything so I will leave it at that.

So...feel free to cut me some slack.

Yesterday I stumbled upon something I had written in my day planner a long while ago thinking I might use the thought on a scrapbook page later. (I can't remember where I saw the quote or I would credit it.) I'm thinking now that there was a reason I wrote it down, and I suggest you take it to heart, too.

Life is tough. I recommend getting a manicure and a really cute helmet.

BMOC

Just wanted to share the latest layout I did for Scrap, Etc. This one is about the day Bobbie Jo and I took the dogs to the Quad. Cowboy loved it so much. He was precious! Clover - not so much. She was a pain. So there is no layout about her on the Quad. Let that be a lesson.